How to deal with an ex who believes everything is your fault

Dealing with an ex who blames you for everything can be challenging, but there are ways to cope with the situation

Here are some tips:

1.    Remain calm: Do not get sarcastic, make faces, or walk away unless you feel that walking away is the only option to calm the situation down.

2.    Understand their perspective: Try to find out what your ex is going through and understand why he/she feels that way.

3.    Take responsibility for your own actions: If you were at fault, own up to your actions and apologise.

4.    Avoid apologising if you are not at fault: Apologising is admitting guilt, and you don't want to do that if you are not responsible for the situation.

5.    Communicate healthily: Learn how to communicate healthily and admit any contribution you had to the failure of the relationship.

6.    Commit to the process: Commit to the process of how you are going to sort everything out, be clear about what that looks like

Remember that you cannot control your ex's behaviour or beliefs, but you can control your own reactions and responses. It's important to take care of yourself and seek support from friends, family, or a professional coach or counsellor if needed.

Sometimes an ex will blame you for everything because they are in what is often termed “victim mode”. If your ex is in victim mode, it's important to understand that they may be trying to convince themselves that you are bad for them, but their heart may not necessarily agree. They may also be trying to make you react in an angry way, so they can feel justified in their behaviour.

Here are some signs that an ex is stuck in victim mode.

1.      Frequently blaming others: People with a victim mentality often place blame on external factors or other people when things go wrong.

2.      Difficulty taking personal responsibility: Those with a victim mentality have trouble taking personal responsibility or seeing how they may have contributed to a situation.

3.      Negative self-talk or self-pity: People with a victim mentality may engage in negative self-talk or self-pity, such assaying "I never do anything right"

4.      Pessimism about the future: Those with a victim mentality may have a pessimistic outlook on the future, saying things like "It will never work out"

5.      Fears of being taken advantage of: People with a victim mentality may have fears of being taken advantage of, believing that bad things have happened before, so they will inevitably happen again.

6.      Lack of motivation: Those with a victim mentality may display a lack of motivation.

7.      Cynical attitude: People with a victim mentality may have a cynical attitude.

8.      Poor boundaries: People with a victim mentality may have poor boundaries, unintentionally pushing people away due to their pessimistic outlook, lack of trust in others, and unwillingness to take responsibility.

Breaking the cycle of victim mentality can be challenging, but there are ways to help an ex overcome this mindset. Remember that breaking the cycle of victim mentality takes time and effort.

These types of issues often arise when we are working with couples in family mediation to help them reach agreements about the way forward, stay out of court and keep their legal fees down.

We are experienced at working with people experiencing relationship breakdown and we can help couples better communicate with each other about the issues that need to be addressed.

If you would like to discuss how family mediation can help you call us on 0800 206 2258 or email us at or book a free call on our website on a day and time that suits you.


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